Gender Stereotypes: Implicit Messages You Send to Your Child

Gender acceptance today has reached an all-time great! The consciousness, the dialogue and openness has been a long time coming. And too, those of all ages and cultures are exposed to the possibility that people around them might be a different gender than what they were born with or present. This is important for trans and non-binary folks because, while bigotry is still alive and well, they’re closer to freedom and mainstream acceptance now than ever before, which means a better quality of life.

But get this - very young children (7 and under) are actually not developed enough to comprehend these concepts and realizations. The thing is, children are already more or less genderless at the beginning of their lives. They don’t even begin to categorize their gender until around 3 years old, and then it’s largely based on things like hair length and height rather than genitalia, says Dr. Harriet Tenenbaum who studies gender identity at the University of Surrey in England. As they grow older, they act and prefer to do things that some might say are stereotypical or conformist but may be that way because they are socially-constructed or just instinctive.

There are theories that state that it’s better to let children take the lead. Speaking to them about gender in detail might plant an idea that is not naturally there. Self-discovery is a very private, beautiful journey and suggestions of gender variations and personality from the most important people in their lives might just be too powerful to resist. It is important that they come to those realizations on their own impulse and experience. This way, there is a better chance that their self-discovery is authentic rather than a means to please or get the attention of important adults around them.

So this is all to say just as it’s important to not conform your child to gender roles that stifle them, like only exposing girls to dance and dolls and boys to sports and trucks, it’s just as vital to their autonomy to not over-explain that these polarizations even exist. All that does it reinforce that a girl playing with a battleship is defying a tradition, rather than simply playing.

The idea behind promoting the freedom of discovery here does not mean stripping your home of anything gendered. The best way to do it, rather, is to stock up on engaging toys and make your children’s spaces areas of exploration. Here are things that you can do to make sure you have a gender-neutral home that facilitate that freedom:

TOYS

• Fill their toy box with a combination of the “traditional” boy and girl toys. Have trucks and babies.

  • Babies are very important toys for boys because it teaches them how to nurture, care for and protect something smaller and more delicate than them.

• Mix up the colors and wardrobes in their pretend play area. Have a tutu and a firefighter’s suit.

  • Exposure to different clothes and materials help promote the idea that interests and jobs aren’t inherently masculine or feminine.

• Activate their room with bold colors, tents and soft places they can crawl into.

  • This encourages engagement and play and mirrors the freedom of expression you want to promote in the rest of their lives

LANGUAGE

The common statements that older relatives say like “young ladies don’t do that” or “boys don’t cry” can deeply impact a young child’s mind. After all, we are quite literally describing the world to them, so every sentence can have a lasting impression. I, personally, deliberately go against those stereotypical statements. I hold my boy when he’s upset and give him my ear for his feelings. And I give my girl dinosaurs and trucks just to see what she’ll do. Well OK, actually she just left them in the corner to play with her horses and unicorns. But that’s great! Now we know what she really likes, right?

The lesson is to hold the space for their feelings, questions and wonderings. It’s OK to answer

“I don’t know.” Mystery is a powerful element to call upon in talking to children. It will open their mind and promote wonder and critical thinking instead of judgment and end-all conclusion.