Keeping Your Child Grounded During Times of Change

No life follows a straight trajectory. We get a job, we get married, have a child, buy a house (rent an apartment). But that plan can be derailed at any point. Just look at the effects of the COVID pandemic on, well, the entire global population. In circumstances like that, we figure out how to cope and survive the change, be it a new job, working from home, moving. We emerge on the other side exhausted, shaken and emotionally drained but we do wake up the next day and keep going. But what about your little one? Oh! Right! Them! They become passengers in a wild, wild journey.

Remember that these little beings are very much human too, with their own set of feelings, ideas and imaginations about all these changes. And because their life is so limited and their perceptions so small, they tend to think they’re a major player. They don’t know about pandemics, career changes, divorces. They might blame themselves for these big events.

Adults have to help kids process the changes that impact their lives. How? How do we explain that our marriage is over or we’re starting a new job that requires travel? You should definitely tell them the truth, but you have to reduce it to their comprehension. You know how you kneel down and look them in the eye when you’re serious? That’s to contain their focus, to make enough space for a more complex subject.

It’s like listening to doctors talk about antibodies and DNA and white blood cells. When your doctor talks to you about something you don’t understand, they try to do it in laymans terms so that you can. You do the same thing for a child - you know that. You do it all the time. But when it comes to something you don’t want to talk about, something that you’re still understanding yourself, it’s easy to opt to keep them in the dark.

But it’s not that deep for them. They just want to know if they’ll still have their toys when you move. They don’t understand that your promotion means relocating to another state, means the result of your hard work. They just want to know:

• Will I be safe?

• Will my life change a lot?

• Will I still be loved?

• Will I have the things that I love around me?

In explaining complicated life changes to children, it’s best to get very simple, visual, clear and detailed, especially about the timeline and order of events. The more detailed you are, the more they feel:

• In control of their lives

• Protected by you

• Prepared for how to act and what to say

And this will make the whole transition less destabilizing. It might even make it fun. Here are some tools that can help a family go through transitions after you’ve explained to the best of your ability what’s about to happen.

Make a book:

Take pictures of what happens when you travel for work.

• You at the airport

• You on the plane

• You at the hotel

• You at work in another city

Take pictures of the new house:

• Building or renovating the house

• Their room being furnished or painted

• The new school they will go to

• The new neighbors

Have them help:

• Have them help you fold your clothes or pick the family pictures to pack.

• Have them pack their toys in the box that’s being moved to the new house. There’s nothing worse than coming home and seeing your toys gone!

• FaceTime them when you get to the hotel and show them the room and where you’ll sleep.

Ask them how they feel:

• Talk to them about their feelings. Tell them how you feel as well.

• Have them draw their feelings on paper.

• Invite them to talk to you about their feelings or questions routinely. Let them know they can do this any time.